Sweet Ermengarde
or, The Heart of a Country Girl
by Percy Simple
Chapter I
A Simple Rustic Maid
Ermengarde Stubbs was the beauteous blonde daughter of Hiram Stubbs, a poor but
honest farmer-bootlegger of Hogton, Vt. Her name was originally Ethyl Ermengarde, but
her father persuaded her to drop the praenomen after the passage of the 18th Amendment,
averring that it made him thirsty by reminding him of ethyl alcohol, C2H5OH. His own
products contained mostly methyl or wood alcohol, CH3OH. Ermengarde confessed to
sixteen summers, and branded as mendacious all reports to the effect that she was thirty.
She had large black eyes, a prominent Roman nose, light hair which was never dark at the
roots except when the local drug store was short on supplies, and a beautiful but
inexpensive complexion. She was about 5ft 5.33...in tall, weighed 115.47 lbs. on her
father's copy scales - also off them - and was adjudged most lovely by all the village
swains who admired her father's farm and liked his liquid crops.
Ermengarde's hand was sought in matrimony by two ardent lovers. 'Squire Hardman, who
had a mortgage on the old home, was very rich and elderly. He was dark and cruelly
handsome, and always rode horseback and carried a riding-crop. Long had he sought the
radiant Ermengarde, and now his ardour was fanned to fever heat by a secret known to
him alone - for upon the humble acres of Farmer Stubbs he had discovered a vein of rich
GOLD!! "Aha!" said he, "I will win the maiden ere her parent knows of his unsuspected
wealth, and join to my fortune a greater fortune still!" And so he began to call twice a
week instead of once as before.
But alas for the sinister designs of a villain - 'Squire Hardman was not the only suitor for
the fair one. Close by the village dwelt another the handsome Jack Manly, whose curly
yellow hair had won the sweet Ermengarde's affection when both were toddling
youngsters at the village school. Jack had long been too bashful to declare his passion,
but one day while strolling along a shady lane by the old mill with Ermengarde, he had
found courage to utter that which was within his heart.
"O light of my life," said he, "my soul is so overburdened that I must speak! Ermengarde,
my ideal [he pronounced it i-deel!], life has become an empty thing without you. Beloved
of my spirit, behold a suppliant kneeling in the dust before thee. Ermengarde - oh,
Ermengarde, raise me to an heaven of joy and say that you will some day be mine! It is
true that I am poor, but have I not youth and strength to fight my way to fame? This I can
do only for you, dear Ethyl pardon me, Ermengarde - my only, my most precious - ' but
here he paused to wipe his eyes and mop his brow, and the fair responded:
Sweet Ermengarde or, The Heart of a Country Girl
"Jack - my angel - at last - I mean, this is so unexpected and quite unprecedented! I had
never dreamed that you entertained sentiments of affection in connexion with one so
lowly as Farmer Stubbs' child - for I am still but a child! Such is your natural nobility that
I had feared - I mean thought - you would be blind to such slight charms as I possess, and
that you would seek your fortune in the great city; there meeting and wedding one of
those more comely damsels whose splendour we observe in fashion books.
"But, Jack, since it is really I whom you adore, let us waive all needless circumlocution.
Jack - my darling - my heart has long been susceptible to your manly graces. I cherish an
affection for thee - consider me thine own and be sure to buy the ring at Perkins'
hardware store where they have such nice imitation diamonds in the window."
"Ermengarde, me love!"
"Jack - my precious!"
"My darling!"
"My own!"
"My Gawd!"
[Curtain]
Chapter II
And the Villain Still Pursued Her
But these tender passages, sacred though their fervour, did not pass unobserved by
profane eyes; for crouched in the bushes and gritting his teeth was the dastardly 'Squire
Hardman! When the lovers had finally strolled away he leapt out into the lane, viciously
twirling his moustache and riding-crop, and kicking an unquestionably innocent cat who
was also out strolling.
"Curses!" he cried - Hardman, not the cat - "I am foiled in my plot to get the farm and the
girl! But Jack Manly shall never succeed! I am a man of power - and we shall see!"
Thereupon he repaired to the humble Stubbs' cottage, where he found the fond father in
the still-cellar washing bottles under the supervision of the gentle wife and mother,
Hannah Stubbs. Coming directly to the point, the villain spoke:
"Farmer Stubbs, I cherish a tender affection of long standing for your lovely offspring,
Ethyl Ermengarde. I am consumed with love, and wish her hand in matrimony. Always a
man of few words, I will not descend to euphemism. Give me the girl or I will foreclose
the mortgage and take the old home!"
Sweet Ermengarde or, The Heart of a Country Girl
"But, Sir," pleaded the distracted Stubbs while his stricken spouse merely glowered, "I
am sure the child's affections are elsewhere placed."
"She must be mine!" sternly snapped the sinister 'Squire. "I will make her love me - none
shall resist my will! Either she becomes muh wife or the old homestead goes!"
And with a sneer and flick of his riding-crop 'Squire Hardman strode out into the night.
Scarce had he departed, when there entered by the back door the radiant lovers, eager to
tell the senior Stubbses of their new-found happiness. Imagine the universal consternation
which reigned when all was known! Tears flowed like white ale, till suddenly Jack
remembered he was the hero and raised his head, declaiming in appropriately virile
accents:
"Never shall the fair Ermengarde be offered up to this beast as a sacrifice while I live! I
shall protect her - she is mine, mine, mine - and then some! Fear not, dear father and
mother to be - I will defend you all! You shall have the old home still [adverb, not noun -
although Jack was by no means out of sympathy with Stubbs' kind of farm produce] and I
shall lead to the altar the beauteous Ermengarde, loveliest of her sex! To perdition with
the crool 'Squire and his ill-gotten gold - the right shall always win, and a hero is always
in the right! I will go to the great city and there make a fortune to save you all ere the
mortgage fall due! Farewell, my love - I leave you now in tears, but I shall return to pay
off the mortgage and claim you as my bride!"
"Jack, my protector!"
"Ermie, my sweet roll!"
"Dearest!"
"Darling! - and don't forget that ring at Perkins'."
"Oh!"
"Ah!"
[Curtain]
Chapter III
A Dastardly Act
But the resourceful 'Squire Hardman was not so easily to be foiled. Close by the village
lay a disreputable settlement of unkempt shacks, populated by a shiftless scum who lived
by thieving and other odd jobs. Here the devilish villain secured two accomplices - illfavoured
fellows who were very clearly no gentlemen. And in the night the evil three
Sweet Ermengarde or, The Heart of a Country Girl
broke into the Stubbs cottage and abducted the fair Ermengarde, taking her to a wretched
hovel in the settlement and placing her under the charge of Mother Maria, a hideous old
hag. Farmer Stubbs was quite distracted, and would have advertised in the papers if the
cost had been less than a cent a word for each insertion. Ermengarde was firm, and never
wavered in her refusal to wed the villain.
"Aha, my proud beauty," quoth he, "I have ye in me power, and sooner or later I will
break that will of thine! Meanwhile think of your poor old father and mother as turned
out of hearth and home and wandering helpless through the meadows!"
"Oh, spare them, spare them!" said the maiden.
"Neverr . . . ha ha ha ha!" leered the brute.
And so the cruel days sped on, while all in ignorance young Jack Manly was seeking
fame and fortune in the great city.
Chapter IV
Subtle Villainy
One day as 'Squire Hardman sat in the front parlour of his expensive and palatial home,
indulging in his favourite pastime of gnashing his teeth and swishing his riding-crop, a
great thought came to him; and he cursed aloud at the statue of Satan on the onyx
mantelpiece.
"Fool that I am!" he cried. "Why did I ever waste all this trouble on the girl when I can
get the farm by simply foreclosing? I never thought of that! I will let the girl go, take the
farm, and be free to wed some fair city maid like the leading lady of that burlesque troupe
which played last week at the Town Hall!"
And so he went down to the settlement, apologised to Ermengarde, let her go home, and
went home himself to plot new crimes and invent new modes of villainy.
The days wore on, and the Stubbses grew very sad over the coming loss of their home
and still but nobody seemed able to do anything about it. One day a party of hunters from
the city chanced to stray over the old farm, and one of them found the gold!! Hiding his
discovery from his companions, he feigned rattlesnake-bite and went to the Stubbs'
cottage for aid of the usual kind. Ermengarde opened the door and saw him. He also saw
her, and in that moment resolved to win her and the gold. "For my old mother's sake I
must" - he cried loudly to himself. "No sacrifice is too great!"
Sweet Ermengarde or, The Heart of a Country Girl
Chapter V
The City Chap
Algernon Reginald Jones was a polished man of the world from the great city, and in his
sophisticated hands our poor little Ermengarde was as a mere child. One could almost
believe that sixteen-year-old stuff. Algy was a fast worker, but never crude. He could
have taught Hardman a thing or two about finesse in sheiking. Thus only a week after his
advent to the Stubbs family circle, where he lurked like the vile serpent that he was, he
had persuaded the heroine to elope! It was in the night that she went leaving a note for
her parents, sniffing the familiar mash for the last time, and kissing the cat goodbye -
touching stuff! On the train Algernon became sleepy and slumped down in his seat,
allowing a paper to fall out of his pocket by accident. Ermengarde, taking advantage of
her supposed position as a bride-elect, picked up the folded sheet and read its perfumed
expanse - when lo! she almost fainted! It was a love letter from another woman!!
"Perfidious deceiver!" she whispered at the sleeping Algernon, "so this is all that your
boasted fidelity amounts to! I am done with you for all eternity!"
So saying, she pushed him out the window and settled down for a much needed rest.
Chapter VI
Alone in the Great City
When the noisy train pulled into the dark station at the city, poor helpless Ermengarde
was all alone without the money to get back to Hogton. "Oh why," she sighed in innocent
regret, "didn't I take his pocketbook before I pushed him out? Oh well, I should worry!
He told me all about the city so I can easily earn enough to get home if not to pay off the
mortgage!"
But alas for our little heroine - work is not easy for a greenhorn to secure, so for a week
she was forced to sleep on park benches and obtain food from the bread-line. Once a wily
and wicked person, perceiving her helplessness, offered her a position as dish-washer in a
fashionable and depraved cabaret; but our heroine was true to her rustic ideals and
refused to work in such a gilded and glittering palace of frivolity - especially since she
was offered only $3.00 per week with meals but no board. She tried to look up Jack
Manly, her one-time lover, but he was nowhere to be found. Perchance, too, he would not
have known her; for in her poverty she had perforce become a brunette again, and Jack
had not beheld her in that state since school days. One day she found a neat but costly
purse in the dark; and after seeing that there was not much in it, took it to the rich lady
whose card proclaimed her ownership. Delighted beyond words at the honesty of this
forlorn waif, the aristocratic Mrs. Van Itty adopted Ermengarde to replace the little one
who had been stolen from her so many years ago. "How like my precious Maude," she
sighed, as she watched the fair brunette return to blondeness. And so several weeks
Sweet Ermengarde or, The Heart of a Country Girl
passed, with the old folks at home tearing their hair and the wicked 'Squire Hardman
chuckling devilishly.
Chapter VII
Happy Ever Afterward
One day the wealthy heiress Ermengarde S. Van Itty hired a new second assistant
chauffeur. Struck by something familiar in his face, she looked again and gasped. Lo! it
was none other than the perfidious Algernon Reginald Jones, whom she had pushed from
a car window on that fateful day! He had survived - this much was almost immediately
evident. Also, he had wed the other woman, who had run away with the milkman and all
the money in the house. Now wholly humbled, he asked forgiveness of our heroine, and
confided to her the whole tale of the gold on her father's farm. Moved beyond words, she
raised his salary a dollar a month and resolved to gratify at last that always unquenchable
anxiety to relieve the worry of the old folks. So one bright day Ermengarde motored back
to Hogton and arrived at the farm just as 'Squire Hardman was foreclosing the mortgage
and ordering the old folks out.
"Stay, villain!" she cried, flashing a colossal roll of bills. "You are foiled at last! Here is
your money - now go, and never darken our humble door again!"
Then followed a joyous reunion, whilst the Squire twisted his moustache and riding-crop
in bafflement and dismay. But hark! What is this? Footsteps sound on the old gravel
walk, and who should appear but our hero, Jack Manly - worn and seedy, but radiant of
face. Seeking at once the downcast villain, he said:
"Squire - lend me a ten-spot, will you? I have just come back from the city with my
beauteous bride, the fair Bridget Goldstein, and need something to start things on the old
farm." Then turning to the Stubbses, he apologised for his inability to pay off the
mortgage as agreed.
"Don t mention it," said Ermengarde, "prosperity has come to us, and I will consider it
sufficient payment if you will forget forever the foolish fancies of our childhood."
All this time Mrs. Van Itty had been sitting in the motor waiting for Ermengarde; but as
she lazily eyed the sharp-faced Hannah Stubbs a vague memory started from the back of
her brain. Then it all came to her, and she shrieked accusingly at the agrestic matron.
"You - you - Hannah Smith - I know you now! Twenty-eight years ago you were my
baby Maude's nurse and stole her from the cradle!! Where, oh, where is my child?" Then
a thought came as the lightning in a murky sky. "Ermengarde - you say she is your
daughter.... She is mine! Fate has restored to me my old chee-ild - my tiny Maudie!
Ermengarde - Maude - come to your mother's loving arms!!!"
Sweet Ermengarde or, The Heart of a Country Girl
But Ermengarde was doing some tall thinking. How could she get away with the sixteenyear-
old stuff if she had been stolen twenty-eight years ago? And if she was not Stubbs'
daughter the gold would never be hers. Mrs. Van Itty was rich, but 'Squire Hardman was
richer. So, approaching the dejected villain, she inflicted upon him the last terrible
punishment.
"'Squire, dear," she murmured, "I have reconsidered all. I love you and your naive
strength. Marry me at once or I will have you prosecuted for that kidnapping last year.
Foreclose your mortgage and enjoy with me the gold your cleverness discovered. Come,
dear!" And the poor dub did.
The End
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